fourth of July

<3 fi

sometimes I am not sure what love is. sometimes I would find myself asking is this how love is suppose to feel?

there used to be days I was really sure what it is. moment of first love that innocent fluttering feeling which comes out and lives within me with excitement made me confident this was probably was love was. Fresh and new and full of excitement. then in the midst of smiles and laughter, tears came along..with anger and pain. what seem to me like it was everlasting love,flew out of the window in just a blink of an eye. questions began to rise, isn't love suppose to be everlasting? or is it just a spur of the moment thing. can you really lose love with time?

second, third and fourth relationships ended up the same way. things such as 'I felt love in the beginning, but somehow I lost it with you... you'd be better off with another better guy' became a common quote. innocent image of love gets lost in the process. all you'd recall is just how 'love' doesn't last and that well maybe you just don't know what exactly love is.

Funny, how easy it is sometimes to forget all those happy moments you share with a person that you've build together for a period of time in just a blink of an eye... then later on only recall the pain which acts as the base for the defensive mechanism you unknowingly build around you.

best birthday gift

say hellooooo! to our first and new baby, kimi shiro (pronounced as shee-ro-ee). why we name her that is because - kimi stands for "she who is without equal" and shiro basically means "white". i'm quite keen on "shiro" but i knew a handsome white male schnauzer who already has that name. there were several options that came across our mind tho. we actually settled with "pepe" at first - sempena the name of liverpool's goalkeeper Pepe Reina. wtf. lol yes i know. i've always wanted a westie - my dream dog and have practically told myself that i'll name the dog Jasper when i got one. boohoo! too bad this cute lil one is a she. i've always prefer a she because male dogs risks the chances of lifting their leg when they pee. then came along the name Bella (no, definitely not from Twillight), which everyone says is so normal. so there.

oh here's a part i missed out. she's an early birthday gift from bee. tee hee hee. happy happy. we bought her over via winnie lim from lowyat.net. i'm in lurve with her westie, Yumi who barks like a lady (so gentle) and tremendously friendly - she had 4 pups and we took the one with the longest ear. hope she doesn't look like a jacks later on. :P *fingers crossed*

how can u resist? :P

currently on a strict military training to make sure she turns into a guai guai lui. <3 that's all for now. heavy downpour. :P

gadgets, gadgets and gadgets

xoxo. ❥ ann

Sept and Oct luvs

when was the last time i blogged?

geez. since work started i've been cravin for extra 12hours a day. sigh. i've no time for anything at all! *screamsssss*

i don't review on food anymore but just lazily post some pics which i already did in Facebook for the sake of bloggin. boo!

okay. updateeeee time!!

let's start with newly weds. you peeps must've been receivin hell lotsa red bombs lately (means weddin invitation in chinese) - and i've got two. my cuzzy and my boo's buddy.

I've been trynna work hard to go on diet but failed miserably. Lol even EA sports doesn't help. Sigh.

Okay pictars time!


Cuzzy's Big Day
# Venue - Tai Thong Puchong






























Next!

Bee and Cindy's (not my boo Bee okay)

# Venue - Dorsett Subang






Camwhore once we sampai lol and we were fashionably late lor :P
















this dress cost me a bomb wtf but it's worth it due to the quality <3 love the puffy lower part of the dress. tee hee heeeee.


Next post I shall blog about ps3 and some stupid irresponsible lens seller from eff beeeeee!

Nights!!


xoxo. ❥ ann

Friends...

a person who would never intentionally hurt you, lie to you, deceive you, manipulate you, abuse you and who takes great care to be kind to you, honest with you, dependable and loyal. Someone who you trust without question because they have never given you any reason not to trust them. Someone you enjoy being around and look forward to seeing. Someone who would sacrifice themself for you.

a friend is someone you love and who loves you, someone you respect and who respects you, someone whom you trust and who trusts you. A friend is honest and makes you want to be honest, too.

a friend is loyal.

a friend is someone who is happy to spend time with you doing absolutely nothing at all; someone who doesn't mind driving you on stupid errands, who will get up at midnight just because you want to go on an adventure, and who doesn’t have to talk to communicate with you.

a friend is someone who not only doesn't care if you're ugly or boring, but doesn't even think about it; someone who forgives you no matter what you do, and someone who tries to help you even when they don't know how. A friend is someone who tells you if you're being stupid, but who doesn't make you feel stupid.

a friend is someone who would sacrifice their life and happiness for you. A friend is someone who will come with you when you have to do boring things like watch bad recitals, go to stuffy parties, or wait in boring lobbies. You don't even think about who's talking or who's listening in a conversation with a friend.

a friend is someone for whom you're willing to change your opinions. A friend is someone you look forward to seeing and who looks forward to seeing you: someone you like so much, it doesn't matter if you share interests or traits. A friend is someone you like so much, you start to like the things they like.

a friend is a partner, not a leader or a follower.

------------------------------------------------------------



you know wot? lemme tell you my opinions about friends. i don't believe in true friends. i don't believe in BFF shit. they are easy to come and easy to go. experience. the words "friends forever" or "best friend forever", fake.

but I do appreciate my friends. and read this, I never choose friends.
i never care whether you're filthy rich, smart or havin' a certain status. i don't choose my friends that way. if you're my friend then you are my friend. i accept you for who you are. not for who & where you from. why? i've been hit with ups and downs in life. high class, low class - been there done that. i've friends who only make friends dependin on their status. you no moolahs, won't call you out, you got money, everyone comes and licks your armpit.

done with my ranting.

karma hits big time

spoke to a hometown friend whom i used to work with and hung out everyday. midway through, reminds me of someone whom i think is a real attention whore, a green eyed monster too.


i just wanted to say..


i don't usually remember people who loikes to defame others, so don't bother addin' me up, nosy parker. too bored? guess karma's just hit. and what's yer name again? fink u should just go visit a shrink cause u might have BPD.

someone who once dated my ex. and asking' for my permission. do i look like i fuck care? i don't even give a shit after what you've done to me and the rest. i bet u have nightmares every night for all the lies you've told.

friends knew me well, that if you don't mess with me, i wouldn't have gotten so pissed.

there's a reason why all of em' hates you and you don't have any true friends around. even your bestest friend left you. may i laugh?

serves you right and it felt so good sayin this.


xoxo. ❥ ann

and the sky cried down for days and days...

this entry is dedicated to my dad and he will never read it..

my daddy, he is not famous, nor is he rich or talented. he is not a scientist or a professor. but he is the best man in my personal world even if he doesn’t know. we never talk about emotional stuff, he never gives me much advice, actually we hardly talk.

it's been two years plus since you left. to those who aren't aware, he had heart attack. granny noticed somethin wrong as he was unable to wake up at his usual time. she called me. i couldn't answer. my job doesn't permit me to bring my phone into the office. she called my brother. she said his door room was locked and she couldn't wake him up. meeko was howlin and she kept scratchin the door. uncle climbed up

and saw what i couldn't imagine myself seein..

i love my dad. sometimes i think he doesn’t know that because we fight pretty often when i was younger.
 
well daddy, i know you will never read this but here is my apology. i want you to know that no matter what i say, i love you. i admire you for your love, your sacrifice towards the family. i want to thank you for showin me how to ride a bicycle. especially trip to parks for see-saw and swing rides. thank you for makin time to fetch me from school, and tuition classes. i'm sorry for saying hurtful words. i want to thank you for takin care of the three of us. i’m sorry for all the dreams you had that will never come true.

when i was 3, you were my hero. when I was 6, you were my hero. when i was 13, you were my hero. when i had financial problems at 18, you were my hero. when i had a car accident at 23, you were my hero.
you’ll always be my hero.

save me from me...

for the umpteenth time...

shucks I'm so bored, loitering aimlessly in facebook and my eyes are pathetically tired. still, reluctant to sleep.

imma update on some pics. my diving gears :P




kinda regret gettin a red one. can't match pink fins wtf and yellow rash guard?!




my reg - sherwood

and BCD which gave me the wrong size and imma still waitin. how am I gonna go Tioman without it this weekend? ohhh btw it's gonna be my first official dive since I got me license. ngiak ngiak.

that's about it.

next, all bout reds. i love Liverpool. I love fowler. After the match, makes me want to visit Anfield and officially watch BPL moarrrrr but sadly bee said they're gonna bring the stadium down.





training session 140711














no gerrard no suarez but there's king Kenny <3





had to stand on chair to watch and the freakin woman behind me keep flippin her smelly scarf and bag at me.


LFC vs Malaysia - 160711












You'll never walk alone bitch!! :P

xoxo. ❥ ann

i lub u wif all me boobs

i love him more than anythin, but my insecurities have made me have to convince myself that he loves me. i am always questionin it. even when he says it, he doesn't say it enough. then you wonder, well what if my insecurities are right. what if he really doesn't love me. so you get even more insecure. but maybe the insecurities are caused because i have always been 100% he has always been 50.

i kept my ignorance so i could pretend everythin was perfect and

there wasn't anythin wrong.

judas :P

a story i read, and this is what happens when things turned into a habit. beware peeps

My shrink told me to write you a letter, to tell you how I feel about all the shit that’s gone down the past few months. That alone is embarrassing. I can see you in our kitchen, just sitting at that dilapidated kitchen table you picked up on the side of the road and so lovingly restored, just sitting there with a cigarette between your fingers, shaking your head and taunting me: A fucking shrink, Louise? A fucking shrink?


Yes, I need a fucking shrink. I’m not like you; I can’t just pluck a few cords on a guitar, drink straight tequila and deal. I need to talk. Most relationships are based upon talking, but ours was never like that. I bet I couldn’t fill a one-subject notebook with all the words that passed between us while we were together. Yet we somehow knew more about each other than most people. Like I know that when you were 12, you were making out with Georgia Flannery behind a 7-11 and her father caught you. I also know that he chased you back to your house wielding his belt above his head, swinging it just close enough that the buckle made a whoosh sound next to your ear.

But that’s a verbal story. I could fill a five-subject notebook with stories about what goes on behind your eyes. I could publish novels based solely on the way you’d kiss me in the morning before I was even fully awake and the journeys your fingers made up and down my naked back. Ours was a love based on moments strung together by hand with emotions, like those ropes of popcorn we decorated our plastic red Christmas tree with in the middle of summer.

It was the most fulfilling, realistic, complete relationship I’d ever been it. It was also heart wrenching, twisted, blemished, rage-filled and nauseating. There were nights I would cry myself to sleep because I didn’t know where you were, where we were, what we were, what you wanted us to be or how we were going to pay our bills. But then I’d wake up with your curly hair in my face and know, somehow, that this was right. That we’d make it work, fill in the holes and sew up the tears. It would work. It had to work.

The way we met wasn’t glamorous or romantic like you read in thick paperback novels. I worked at an ice cream place on the boardwalk; you loved medium vanilla cones with rainbow sprinkles. The first time you stopped by, I fell in love with your big, crooked fingers that floated in front of your chest, waiting for your change. The second time you stopped by, I fell in love with your witty, sarcastic humor that I hoped you were putting on for me. The third time you stopped by, you asked for my number and waited around till closing. We drank 40 ounces on the beach. Our first date. We barely spoke, a foreshadowing of the relationship to come, but we spent the whole night lying on our backs and tracing constellation. Every once in a while, I’d feel those big crooked fingers wiggling through the sand, hesitating on whether or not to take the plunge and lace between mine. You told me you dabbled in photography and that you’d love to take my picture. I figured you were either a pornographer or the love of my life. I gave you a chance.

Our second date. You picked me up in your yellow Chevrolet Caprice from the 70’s that you had found on the side of the road and breathed new life into. I had a big Christmas bag filled with yellowing lace slips and oversized loafers. We drove to a junkyard and I changed in your backseat while you sat on the hood and smoked a cigarette. We spent the day taking pictures: me on a couch that was growing springs, me in a rusted out pickup truck, me holding an umbrella with holes like Swiss cheese.

With every click of the camera’s shutter I felt bits and pieces of my soul transplanting themselves in you. I was scared out of my mind, but I was drunk off the very idea of you. I knew in that instant that I would never be whole again if you ever left me. The truth is, no one truly understand that feeling until they’re standing in front of the person who has so neatly and completely embezzled their heart. No, not just their heart. Their entire being.

We were inseparable. It was only a matter of weeks before I moved into your place. Of course you would live in a trailer. It would be impossible for you to even think about maintaining a home. But I didn’t care. Our lives quickly meshed into one another, and before I knew it I was eating mashed potatoes with hot sauce, like you, and you were clipping your toe nails over the toilet, like me. We bought a cat and named him Tiddly Winks. He slept on a doll’s bed next to ours. You and I fell into a routine. I quit my job at the ice cream stand and started working at an antique store in Point. All day, I’d sort through old dresses and jewelry and spatulas and coloring books. I started taking old black and white photos of babies in basinets and big Italian weddings, framing them and hanging them around our house. We pretended they were our family, since we really had none: Aunt Madge, cousin Hector, grandma Natty. But we didn’t need a family. We had each other.

You got work at a furniture store and worked on restorations. I’d love rubbing your callused fingers after a long day at work. I loved you, and you loved me. You spent your days smoothing over cracks and imperfections in tables and chairs. But it was only a matter of time before our own cracks and imperfections started to show. We tried to smooth them over. But they were a little more stubborn. Your paychecks were minimal, which didn’t make sense because you worked 15-hour days. The nights we used to spend together watching Land of the Lost and drinking white wine started to dwindle. You’d come home, shower and go out. I didn’t think to ask you where you were going. Sometimes when you’d come home, your lips would be chapped. I tried to smooth over the cracks. I loved you so much.

The first night I woke up to you cooking crack in the kitchen, I wanted to die. Your eyes had been looking distant, and I wanted you to love me again. But you were just sitting in the kitchen, cooking crack. Next to the pan of uneaten lasagna I had made for dinner. I felt stupid, standing in your Metallica t-shirt and bunny slippers. Like I was in middle school again, and we were watching that sex-ed video, and everyone seemed to know what a period was and how a penis gets hard before sex, and I didn’t. You looked at me and gave me a scary smile. Your teeth were yellow. I went back to sleep.

Things got worse. I’d come home to the sickly scent of burnt Brillo pads and know. We’d make love, but it wasn’t like before. It was violent and painful. Sometimes afterwards, I’d look down at the twisted Superman underwear around my ankles and feel like a rape victim. Since I couldn’t hate you, I started to hate myself. I still loved you, and I hated myself for loving you.

I was alone, watching Land of the Lost with white wine the first night you hit me. I don’t even remember the reasoning, but it was quick and I saw streaks of silver. My cheek swelled. I left it like that. A battle wound. I deserved it. I deserved it for loving you. And it made me hate myself more.

The day I knew our relationship had to end was the day I had to charge American cheese to my Visa. The old lady behind the counter looked at me with sad eyes that seemed to say I know. Looking into her eyes, I felt no self-pity. All I could think about was how I never wanted my eyes to look old and tired like that.


I came home and made you grilled cheese, like you’d asked me to. It was one of those stretches of three days where your normal self would return. You’d be loving and attentive and you’d fix the kitchen table chairs you’d broken on your last binge. We’d re-hang the pictures of our imaginary family that’d crashed to the ground the last time you threw me into a wall. I’d make us Hamburger Helper and you’d make love to me like old times. Watching you eat your sandwich from across the table, I started to think, maybe, just maybe, you’d stay this time. I’d help you stay off the drugs, we’d move out of a trailer and into a cottage on the beach, we’d have a babies and name them after J.D. Salinger characters. Life would be good.






With a mouth full of grilled cheese, you looked across the table and said I love you.






I packed up and moved out that night. You were asleep with Tiddly Winks.






It’s been a month. You haven’t tried to look for me. Or if you have, you just haven’t found me yet. Maybe you didn’t even realize I’d left. Maybe you finally overdid it with the drugs. All I know is, I still love you. And I don’t hate myself for it anymore. I know that you love me, too. Maybe one day you’ll come back for good. Maybe the drugs will end. If that day ever comes, I want be here waiting for you. My shrink says that’s not a healthy plan, but I don’t care. I’m perfectly content with spending my days sorting through the rubble of our relationship, wondering what you saw that night on the boardwalk. And why you lost sight of that.






I love you, too.



agree peeps?

when the rainbow kicks the starfish...

❣ as happy as chicken littles :P ❣

sometimes

i feel like i'm a kid

happy, excited, havin' no worries

can't blame me

for i have a big papa by my side

who take cares of me

 double ❥ you bee :P

P/S : i hope not that you will grow moar and moar white hair ya. tee hee hee. i dislike orang tua :P 



ღ i miss that feelin' ღ

ღ tiptoes on top of toes


ღ swaying side to side

ღ as if standing on a rocking ship

ღ letting myself go completely.

ღ leaning with the music

ღ as if nothing in the world

ღ not even an unexpected branch

ღ could scrape me as we pass

ღ to and fro, back and forth

ღ trusting in your arms.

ღ held. unafraid.

ღ unafraid because pain and i haven't met yet. i miss that.

time for some updates

Been busy jugglin' my time between work, and leisure. The given twenty four hours is just ain't enough for me.

My aunt passed away just two days ago due to cancer. I feel bad for being not able to pay her her last visit. I'm bound in Tioman for me diving open water course. My condolences...

This was a four days three nights trip. Bee and I had our stay at Sofia aka Sri Tioman...bee booked this place in advance and requested for water heater but when we arrived we were given another chalet due to unforeseen circumstances - the air con had malfunctioned. Bummer. As I have "allergy" to extremely cold water and I wished the temperature wouldn't be as cold as it was in Genting. (btw I don't mean Genting Highlands)





















Overall, was satisfied with the seaview chalet given. The major setbacks were - the place is filled with millions of mozzies and the frequent blackouts. Imagine having a no-air-con-with-mozzies-attack-room. We got the room at a cheaper rate due to the unforeseen scenario at only 90 per night.

Interested? The name used to be called Sri Tioman but now it seems ha changed to Sofia. Location wise, is in Tekek which is about 10 mins walking distance from jetty to the chalet - located just beside East Tioman Diver Centre.





If you find it too far to walk, you may request for transportation with extra charges.

Food wise, you gotta check out the local malay BBQ seafood, located beside a Chinese seafood shop - the BBQ squid was freakinly awesome *yummy* and the Tom yum was spicy enough to liking!!













Apart from that, Germaine has had her first beach outing this year - to Cherating *hearts* we headed here before Tioman trip. I feel bad (again?!) for not takin Meeko along. She's always the one who stays at home =(









It was fun!! Minusing the growlins, and barkings for no reasons xD beh tahan with all the furkids' cuteness *grins*













That's all for nao...

xoxo. ❥ ann